I used to think I was crazy;
a piece of shit “you’re so lazy”.
You’d gaslight me when you’d done something wrong.
So I’d apologise so we could just move on.
All I wanted was your love and the abuse to stop.
So I did what I could to appease you, I was your prop.
I didn’t know how brainwashed I was.
I would have done anything for you, even if it broke the laws.
I had to defend you when I knew you were wrong.
Because when we’d get home I didn’t want to sing the same song.
I was terrified of you and felt better when you weren’t home.
Everything was safer when I was alone.
But when you ignored me I’d never know why.
A punishment for what? I don’t know, so many nights I’d cry.
You’d come home drunk and it’s like you were the devil.
I couldn’t even reason with you when you were on that level.
The things you did and said.
They still run through my head.
The hurt you’ve caused feels life long.
I’ve tried so hard to be strong.
But you won’t go away.
You won’t leave my head even for a day.
Triggers are everywhere I look.
Stop me in my steps and leave me feeling shook.
I wish I had answers, I wish I knew why.
How could you hurt me and want me to die.
I thought I loved you with all of my heart.
But there were red flags I ignored from the start.
You never loved me, I was a pawn in your game.
Well I hope you had your fun, because you’ve driven me insane.
You’ve broken me into pieces that I can’t get back.
You’ve left me frozen standing still on the track.
I wish I could hurt you or that you would explain.
But I’ll never get answers and that’s half of the pain.
You picked me because I was weak when we met.
And you warped my mind and turned me into your little pet.
I was too scared to have a voice.
Too scared to make a choice.
What if I make the wrong one.
Then you get mad and a fight has begun.
I couldn’t even make simple decisions.
Because you changed everything in my life, with all your revisions.
I still struggle to realise you’re not here now to tell me I can’t.
It still rings in my head like a fucking chant.